Friday, November 16, 2012

Twihard or Go Home

      So yesterday I was downtown with Garrett and our friend Chelsea and we were accosted by the posters up to announce the latest Twilight abomination so of course we had to go. I had honestly forgotten it was coming up because, really, who cares? Twilight is really just a woman trying to recreate the magic of Harry Potter with the prose of a child. It is a weak imitation of the young adult classics that have come out lately. Luckily for her that it is just bad enough that people can still tolerate it and find it fun and campy. So obviously, being a huge fan of all things campy, I needed to see it.

Ok so when we finally got to the theater I don’t think I have ever been more embarrassed to be anywhere and I make a living teach high school girls how to dance. Holding my head low and keeping my voice down, I walked in with Garrett and Chelsea while they were hamming it up and having a grand ol’ time. Sorry I’m not a twelve year old girl and thus I’m not Team Jacob or Team Edward. Everything was confirmed to me when I went in to the actual screening and it was a pretty even blend of drunk college kids who were there for an evening of fun and high school couples consisting of skinny little girls and their equally skinny skater boyfriend who were not all too pleased to be there. What is it about this movie and underage couples? Side note: remember the days when the only place you could go to make out was the movies? Yeah. That has not changed apparently.

As the movie begins the very very apparent problem is the fact that Edward looks WAYY older than when this saga began. Ok I understand. It is impossible to make a five movie series without there being some aging as we go along but COME ON. He is a vampire ergo should not age, right? Well apparently, wrong. Apparently he started out 17 and ended 25. Cause vampires do that, right. I am just saying that if these people have ability to make Taylor Lautner turn from a human to a “giant dog” then can’t they do some kind of CGI magic to make this man child look like a teenager? Guess not.

As this crazy little show continued we got introduced to Renesmee for the first time. I almost pooped my pants. In an effort to make sure that the baby actually looks like it could be the child of Edward and Bella the director decided that as opposed to using an actual child he would insert a CGI baby into Bella’s arms. This is the worst bit of computer work in the entire film. This child looked like something that was cut and pasted out the Sims. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I can do any better but considering the fact that this is one the largest film franchises in recent history then they certainly can.

As this joy ride keeps trucking along we get introduced to a plethora of new vampires to serve as witnesses to convince the Vultori that Renesmee isn’t an immortal child (a baby who was turned into a vampire) cause those are apparently illegal. This new group of vamps, as they are assembled, resembled more and more like a really bad re-make of X-Men. As they go from person to person showing their skills (one can cause hallucinations and another can produce electricity) I couldn’t help but sit there and give them their new super hero names. The one that really killed me was the fact that Bella, conveniently has the ability to block everyone’s powers because she is a “shield”. I mean COME ON. As they go into a fight with the Vultori who came to power because of these skills that they have of course the good guys are going to have someone who can block those powers. What a cop out.

We finally get to the epic finale when the Vultori come forward to confront the Cullen and Friends and I was of course expecting some kind of huge let down ending where everyone became friends and there was a potluck but I was dead wrong. To those who have not seen it and want to: DO NOT CONTINUE. That being said, Stephanie Meyer envisioned one hell of an ending for this flick. Just after Alice is done showing he Vultori what would happen to the future of vampires, she turned to Bella and goes, “Now”. Chaos. Alice does an illusion kick and hits the head Vultori in the face sending him flying. Jasper gets hs head ripped from his body. Carlise goes flying forward and gets his head ripped off. Esmee goes batshit cray and all of the Cullen and Friends go flying forward and the battle begins. Heads are flying, people are being burned, Dakota Fanning gets eaten by a wolf. I would pay another ten dollar just to see this fifteen minute sequence of total badassery. I laughed, I cried, I wet myself (a little). Just as Bella has beheaded the leader of the Vultori and is about to set him on fire *SNAP* we are pulled back and we find out that the whole thing was just Alice’s vision of what would happen. Instead the Vultori walk away with their tails between their legs and everyone lives. My mind was blown.

And with that the only thing left was to bring this whole thing to a close. As expected, the Cullens are able to stay in Forks, Jacob is crowned a hero, and all is right in the vampy world. Just like in the book it ends with Bella and Edward chillin in a meadow being all cutesy and stuff. In one last tear jerking move, Bella extends her shield power (which now has memory recollection) to show Edward all her favorite memories from the previous four movies. Really, it was cute. Don’t judge me.

      Ok so I know that it is Twilight and people should morally hate it just because it is so terrible but I am going to stick my neck out and say I liked it. It was cheesy, it was campy, but in the end it was also totally badass. The jokes were better, the acting was MUCH better, and it was truly entertaining. And the battle in the end was completely insane. I never thought that Twilight would ever go there but it did. It went all the way there. And more.

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