So last time I mentioned that I was sorry for having such heavy subjects lately so I decided to lighten this shit up. It is with that that I present my newest list “10 Things Straight Girls Say to Gay Guys”. Enjoy.
1.“If you weren’t gay, we would totally date.” – No. Just no.
2.“You must totally love Lady Gaga.” – This pisses me off like you would not believe. I do enjoy Lady Gaga’s music, yes. However, this fucked up assumption that I do simply because I am gay is almost just mean. It is to suggest that we gay men do not have our own minds and have to do what is trendy and hip. There are those of us who actually have our own thoughts. Surprise.
3.“Why won’t you cuddle with me?” – It’s not that I want to cuddle with you because you are a girl. I don’t want to cuddle with you because we aren’t fucking. Straight girls have this concept in their heads of gay men being asexual. They see us as giant queer teddy bears they can collect and play with. The minute they accept the fact that we have anal sex they shut up real quick. Fellas, if your hag keeps saying this just go into detail about the last time you got buttfucked and I can guarantee you they will shut up really quickly.
4.“Let’s do shots!” – Do I drink? You bet your ass I do. Do I drink shot because I am gay? Hell fucking no. I drink shots because I am 19 and in college. I have found though that apparently there is some myth out there that gay men drink more shots than straight men because everywhere I go to party girls are asking to take shots with me. I’m flattered you want to get shitfaced with me but can I just have a cold beer? Thanks…
5.“If you haven’t been with a girl, how do you know you won’t like it?” – I could say the same to you bitch. Half of the time I turn this around on the girl who brings it up to me they say something along the lines of “Ew oh god no” and I want to wring their neck. What makes you think that I would like fucking a girl if I tried it and you wouldn’t? It’s just insulting. Stop being ignorant.
6.“When did you know you were ‘different’?” – When did saying this become ok? Everyone is fucking different. No two people are the same. Me being gay doesn’t make me some new special breed of different that you get to single out as being especially different. Honestly, I believe that girls are often just too fucking scared to say the word gay. Get over yourselves.
7.“I have this other gay friend. You two should totally meet. You’d be so cute together.” – In what way does this make any sense? I don’t go around giving every straight guy I meet your number. It makes no logical sense at all to do this. Just because I am a guy who likes guys and so is he does not mean that we will fall in love, settle down, and have 2.5 gaybies. It takes more than that to have a relationship. Do you want to fuck every single person who identifies in the gender you prefer? Didn’t think so.
8.“Hey girl!” – Biggest pet peeve ever. If I wished to be called “girl” I would identify as a woman. However, I am a male bodied individual who identifies as a man. In what way does any of that sound like I want to be called “girl”? Do yourselves a favor and please call me by my name before I take your “Hey girl” and shove it up your ass. Bitches.
9.“How do drag queens tuck?” – Go fucking look it up. Do you honestly think that I go around in my free-time asking my friends who do drag how they make it look like they have a vagina when they actually have a dick? Here is a surprise: I have no fucking clue. If you actually cared and wanted to know and didn’t just ask for the sake of asking, go find someone who does drag and ask them. Or if, like most straight girls, you are actually terrified of drag queens, just go back to not knowing and not caring.
10.“Let’s go shopping!” – So let’s just get right into this. I understand fully that there are gay men out there who do love shopping but let’s get one thing straight: Not all of us do and please stop assuming that just because I like dudes it means that I want to go spend seven hours with you at H&M. Nothing could be further from the truth.
So now is when I pose my question of the day: What is your least favorite stereotype? What kinds of assumptions do people make about you?
Aiight, back to paying attention in class.
Peace out shitfaces.